All photographs by Diana Matar.
Dream 203
I found myself in a strange and sad place when suddenly there was my old love, B. She walked burdened by old age. Knowing that I will never see her again, I felt such deep sorrow.
Dream 204
I saw myself in my forties, caressing a pale rose. It responded, encouraging me, but, given our age difference, I hesitated. My reluctance persisted until she left, leaving me alone to contend with my aging self.
Dream 206
I found myself in a spacious and elegant hall. Gathered to one side were my family and friends and, at the opposite end, a door opened and through it my sweetheart B. entered laughing, followed by her father. I lost all self-restraint and held my arms open wide. The Imam began writing in the marriage book. Joy overtook everyone. My mother congratulated the bride and burned incense.
Dream 207
I found myself walking down a long road. A window of one of the houses to my left opened and through it appeared a woman’s face. Although her beauty had disappeared behind a thick veil of ill health, and it had been fifty years since I had last seen her, I immediately recognized her. In the morning, I was deeply unsettled when, reading the newspaper, I came upon her obituary. I was profoundly saddened and wondered, Which of us had visited the other at that hour of death?
Dream 209
I found myself sitting with President Gamal Abdel Nasser in a small garden, and he was saying: You may be asking why we don’t meet as often anymore.
I said: I did wonder about that.
He said: It’s because every time I consult you about an issue, I find that your opinion either partly or entirely contradicts mine, and so I feared for our friendship.
I replied: For me, our friendship—no matter our differences—can never end.
Dream 210
I found myself at Café El Fishawi. A short distance away was the famous artist and ballerina soon to announce her retirement. I couldn’t help looking at her with great curiosity. She gracefully turned around and her lips gave me a faint smile. My companion said: Be glad, you won’t embark on life’s final battle alone.
Dream 213
I found myself in the local wedding photographer’s studio. Among the gallery of photographs, I spotted B. I examined her picture closely, taking my time, all the while enduring desperate regrets, and yet recognizing that I had not lost hope completely, and gleaning some solace from that fact.
Dream 214
I found myself at the tram stop just as I realized that I had been pickpocketed. I then spotted my friend Ahmed, who appeared in a hurry. I rushed up to him and told him what had happened to me. He laughed, saying: I too was robbed. I said: Then let’s go to El Abbassiya police station to find who took our money. He said, I urge you instead to volunteer for the new civil division working directly with the minister of the interior, whose chief goal is to rid the country of pickpockets.
Dream 222
I saw myself living through an era of great change, where all national borders were erased and—under the banner of justice, freedom, and the respect for human rights—all travel restrictions were lifted. I journeyed through the cities of the world and in each place found suitable employment, pleasurable distractions and excellent companions. Then I missed Egypt. I returned home and was greeted by my childhood friends. They asked me to tell them about my travels. I said: Let’s first go to the old town and pray at Al-Hussein Mosque, may God be content with him, and next have lunch at Al Dahan, then go on to Café El Fishawi to drink green tea and there I will tell you sheer wonders.
Dream 223
I saw my wife and myself struggling with a large suitcase when suddenly my old love B. came to help us. I turned dizzy with joy. I touched her hand and said: I will never forget this for as long as I live. She replied: You must forget, for believe me I am happy with my husband and children. It was as though the very last candle had gone out.
Dream 232
I found myself in the Al-Ghouriya district and there were twice as many police as civilians. I saw my father walking toward me with a policeman on either side of him. I panicked, thinking he was under arrest. But then he greeted me and said: I see a policeman on either side of you, and I’m afraid you’ve been arrested.
Dream 237
I saw myself entering the Garden of the Immortals in the El Gamaleya district. I was an adolescent again. I had on a pair of shorts. I saw a group of beautiful girls approach. They were about my age, led by the immortal Miss A. She smiled and my tears flowed till all her beauty vanished behind them.
Dream 243
I found myself searching for evidence that my love was not an illusion but real. My lover had departed in the glory of her youth, and by now the witnesses too were gone. The features of our street had changed, and in the place of her house with its flower garden a high-rise block stood, densely populated. Nothing remained of the past except memories without proof.
Dream 245
I found myself in the middle of a large crowd gathered to witness the state visit of the Emperor of Japan. At the same time, the prime minister Mustafa al-Nahas was leaving a dentist’s office: we followed him with our hearts and eyes until he disappeared inside his car. I thought how odd it was that the two men, and for completely different reasons, shared the same tragedy.
From I Found Myself … : The Last Dreams, translated by Hisham Matar, to be published by New Directions in June.
Naguib Mahfouz (1911–2006) began writing when he was seventeen. Of his nearly forty novels, the most famous is The Cairo Trilogy, consisting of Palace Walk, Palace of Desire, and Sugar Street, which focuses on a family in Cairo through three generations. In 1988, he became the first Arabic-language writer to be awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature.
Hisham Matar is the recipient of a Pulitzer Prize, a PEN/Jean Stein Book Award, a Royal Society of Literature Ondaatje Prize, an Arab American Book Award, and Germany’s Geschwister-Scholl-Preis. He is a professor at Barnard College.
Diana Matar’s photographs have been exhibited at the Tate Modern in London; the Institute du Monde Arabe in Paris; Chicago’s Museum of Contemporary Photography; and the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.