We spend a lot of time teaching kids how to stand up to bullies—but what if we also taught them how to recognize when they’re the one crossing the line?
That’s the powerful question behind a viral TikTok by creator and editor Rachel (@rachel.the.editor), who challenges the typical anti-bullying narrative many of us grew up with. In the clip, which has struck a chord with parents and educators alike, Rachel points out that most anti-bullying lessons focus on helping kids identify and protect themselves from an anonymous “evil bully.” But rarely do we help kids see when they might be engaging in bullying behavior—often without even realizing it.
“A lot of kids aren’t inherently evil; they just don’t realize…they don’t have the emotional maturity to know the effect that they’re having on other kids,” she says in the video.
Scroll through the comments, and it’s clear this message hit home.
This TikTok isn’t just going viral with 472K views (and counting)—it’s sparking an important shift in how we approach kindness, empathy, and emotional growth in childhood.
Why it’s time to rethink our anti-bullying approach
Traditional anti-bullying education often paints a clear picture: there’s a victim, and then there’s a villain. But real-life social dynamics, especially among young kids, are rarely that simple. In fact, many children who engage in hurtful behavior don’t see themselves as “the bully” at all—they might think they’re just being funny, teasing like everyone else, or even being “honest.” The intent might not be cruel, but the impact can still be harmful.
This is where the usual “stranger danger” version of bullying prevention falls short. It focuses on helping kids recognize when someone else is treating them unfairly, without teaching them how to recognize when they might be doing the same to others.
Developmentally, this makes sense. Kids are still learning the emotional tools they need—like empathy, perspective-taking, and self-regulation. They don’t always understand the ripple effect of their words or actions, especially in social groups where teasing can be seen as playful or “cool.”
Research published in the Archives of Psychiatric Nursing highlights the importance of emotional regulation in early childhood. The study found that both parent and teacher reports of children’s emotional regulation behaviors were linked to key school adjustment outcomes, including social skills, academic performance, and achievement. This underscores the role of emotional awareness and regulation in helping children adapt successfully to school environments.
That’s why shifting the conversation matters. By helping kids build emotional awareness early on, we’re not just preventing bullying—we’re giving them the lifelong skills to navigate relationships with kindness and accountability.
Related: Why this dad refused to punish his son for bullying—and what he did instead
What the comments are saying: “They don’t even realize they’re being a bully”
The viral TikTok didn’t just start a conversation—it cracked something wide open. In the comments section, parents, educators, and former “weird kids” shared their own lightbulb moments, offering insight into why so many kids fail to recognize when they might be the problem.
- Emma: “kids aren’t going to come home from school like “mom I’m bullying someone”. they’re going to say “there’s this weird kid at school”. parents never think their kid is the problem…”
- Rebecca Hall: “As school staff I have had to tell kids “what you are doing is bullying” or “you are acting like a bully right now” and it’s like the thought has never occurred to them that they could be a bully.”
- LizardbethArt: “YES cuz usually the “bully” in these existing stories IS so cartoonishly evil that real life bullies probably go “obviously that’s not me, I’m just messing around and having fun 😉“ they’ve no clue”
- coraline coraline: “The best take. We teach that people ARE bullies, so no one sees themself as the bully. We should teach them that we can all ACT like bullies”
- Hummingbird: “and using the label “bully” for any time someone is mean makes no kid want to recognize their own behavior as wrong because they want to act like they could never be the bully”
- Dan Tat: “also bullies learn from somewhere. a lot of times kids’ most prominent bullies are their parents/adults in their lives and we don’t address that enough”
These raw, honest reactions reflect a powerful truth: we need to change how we talk to kids about bullying. It’s not about villainizing—it’s about building awareness, empathy, and emotional accountability from the inside out.
Related: Mom says her tween daughter is bullying other kids over their clothes—so she’s asking for advice
How to teach kids to recognize when they’re crossing the line
Instead of labeling a child as “a bully,” we can guide them toward understanding the impact of their behavior. It’s not about shame—it’s about emotional growth.
Here are five ways to help your child become more self-aware, empathetic, and socially responsible:
1. Teach impact over intent
Children often defend their actions with “I was just joking” or “I didn’t mean it.” Help them understand that even if something wasn’t meant to be hurtful, it still can be. Emphasize that how the other person feels matters—and that kindness means paying attention to those feelings.
2. Use real-life examples
Roleplay common social situations or talk through moments from books, shows, or your child’s day. Ask questions like, “How do you think the other person felt?” or “What would you want someone to say to you in that situation?” These conversations help build empathy in a concrete way.
3. Model accountability
Your child learns more from what you do than what you say. When you make a mistake—interrupting, snapping, or forgetting something important—own it. Try saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I see that I did. I’m sorry.” Modeling this shows kids that accountability is not weakness—it’s strength.
4. Focus on behavior, not identity
Avoid calling your child “a bully.” Instead, focus on specific actions: “That wasn’t a kind thing to say,” or “Pushing someone to get ahead in line isn’t respectful.” When kids don’t feel shamed or labeled, they’re more open to learning and change.
5. Normalize feedback
Create an environment where kids feel safe giving and receiving gentle feedback. Encourage siblings or friends to say things like “That hurt my feelings” or “Please don’t do that.” Then, help your child practice responding with empathy: “I didn’t know that upset you. I won’t do it again.”
Related: TikTok’s popular ‘Midwestern Mama’ has an important message about bullying tween girls
The bottom line
The truth is, kids are still figuring it all out—how to navigate friendships, express their feelings, and understand how their actions affect others. They’re bound to make mistakes along the way. But those moments aren’t signs of failure; they’re opportunities for growth.
When we shift our focus from punishing “bad behavior” to teaching emotional awareness, we help our kids build the foundation for healthier relationships—not just in childhood, but throughout their lives. It’s not about raising kids who are never unkind. It’s about raising kids who are willing to pause, reflect, and try again.
So the next time your child is on the giving end of a hurtful interaction, remember: it’s not a reflection of who they are—it’s a moment to guide them toward who they’re becoming.
Because kindness isn’t just taught through rules. It’s learned through reflection, accountability, and the daily practice of doing better.